The Battle of The Sexes

It's an obvious trend that has been around for centuries. Ever since Adam and Eve there has been conflict between the sexes. Nowhere is this more obvious than in marriage. It seems so compelling to see how we need each other, yet we can never seem to live in perfect harmony. The battle has been so deep and ongoing that it has stoked so many other societal problems: divorce, broken homes, sex outside of marriage, spousal abuse, feminism, even men and women avoiding it altogether by committing homsexuality! You would think that something that was God’s design would be a little bit more harmonious than it usually seems to be. Even Christian couples have their struggles, spats, arguments and divorces. But what if i told you that the reason we have such a hard time coinciding was exactly what was supposed to happen? That the battle of the sexes was what God had planned since Adam and Eve?!

I am referring to the curses passed down by God right after the first sin was committed. We read that there were punishments doled out to all parties involved: Adam, Eve and the serpent. But some of the punishments were curses that would be a part of man for the rest of time. After addressing the serpent, God next addresses the woman and says, “To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16) You see two curses given out by God; childbearing and a desire for the husband. Yet so many do not view the second as a curse. Who wouldn’t want a wife to have a desire for her husband? Isn’t that the way it should be? Yes, if that was the type of “desire” the bible meant. The Hebrew word used here is not one of sexual desire. The word only appears one other time in the Old Testament and that is in Genesis 4:7 where God warns Cain saying, “sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you.” So the idea behind this desire is one of control or mastery. So to summarize, because of Eve’s sin, women from now on will have pain in childbirth and also a natural desire to want to control and be a master over her husband. How is this a curse? Because this is contrary to what women were designed and created for. We read in Genesis 2:18 that Adam needed a helper, not a task master. Man was lonely and needed a companion to be his helper, not someone to boss him around.

But men are not innocent. They were cursed just as well. We read next when God addresses Adam, “And to Adam he said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” (Genesis 3:17-19) Some people wrongly think that work was a curse for man after sin. This is not true. Adam was given work to do and was to cultivate the land well before sin entered into the world. What changed was not work itself, but the nature of the work. Now it will not be abundant and fruitful but will be very demanding. Work will be wearisome, hard, draining and taxing. So much so that he will show practically no attention to the woman in his life. He will neglect his duties to the family as he focuses on his work. But not just work either, his play as well. For if he is not working at his 9-5, then there is yard work, things to do in the garage or barn, golf, hunting, sports, cars, technology, etc. So we see that the curse is to draw men away from the family. Where God had created him to be a present and active leader, the curse will give him a desire to be absent. Anywhere but with the family where he is supposed to be.

And there you have it. The battle of the sexes. We battle because we are cursed. And our curses run crash course right into each other. The woman is always trying to lead, direct, boss, nag and make the decisions. Men are always absent. Finding other things to do to leave the family behind. Even convincing themselves it's ok because they're “working”. And do we not see this play out in our culture? In the eyes of God men are to lead and women are to be submissive. Yet the world is right there to placate instead to our sinful fleshy desires. This is why feminism is so attractive to women. It plays right into their sinful desire to lead, control and master over men. This is why pornography is so attractive to men. Women fill a need and it is just a toy on the screen to play with that pulls them away from the family. This is why we see so many absentee fathers. This plays into their sinful nature to be drawn away from the family. This is why women are always trying to correct or “fix” their husbands. This is why men are always out in the garage. And we see sitcoms all over TV play into this as well. So many “family” shows today (if there are any left that even have a mom and dad in them!) have the man portrayed as a stupid, aloof, lazy, absentee father that keeps messing up. While the wife is the actual leader that holds things together, rights the ship and knows exactly what to do to make things right. This type of “entertainment” is entertaining to the world because it placates to our sinful desires. This is why men always think women nag them and women think men are never around to help. It's not the battle of the sexes, but our curses!

No more is this perfectly portrayed, sadly, than in the church. Where you see time and time again a mom bringing the family into the church and the father either unenthusiastically tagging along or not being there at all. This shows how the woman is leading by bringing the family to church and the man is only coming to make her happy or just not coming at all because something is there he rather do that pulls him away from the family. When the designed way of this playing out should be the man being the spiritual leader, leading the family in not only family worship but in getting the family into church as well. Richard Philips summarizes it well by saying, “God’s curse on the man draws him unwholesomely away from the woman, even as God’s curse on the woman draws her unwholesomely toward the man. This is why most marital counseling sessions are some variation on this theme: Wife- ‘You don’t pay any attention to me.’ Husband- ‘You are too demanding and nag too much.’ God has cursed the marriage relationship with a poisonous desire for control by the woman and a self-absorbed focus outside the relationship by the man.”

So what is the answer? The gospel. Just as the gospel is the answer to all our other sinful problems. We need to be restored and transformed. We need to be sanctified from our sinful selves. This is part of the reason why God has man be the head of the household and women are called to be submissive: both are contrary to what we sinfully desire. Think of it this way: if a man struggles with stealing, the bible calls him to repent and get a paying job to provide for himself. Or if a woman likes to gossip when she talks to her friends, she is to repent and instead talk truthfully and encouragingly. Then there is the man who struggles with pornography. He is to repent and devote himself to just one woman in marriage. And this is all possible because of the power of the gospel. Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit gives us new life and then the power to turn away from sinful living and live godly lives the way we were designed. It is the same way here in marriage. Man sinfully desires to not lead but to be absent. So God calls him to repent and lead his family (Ephesians 5:25). Even making sacrifices of himself to do so (like maybe not going out with the guys all the time). Woman on the other hand sinfully desires to control and master her husband. So God calls her to repent and submit to her husband's leadership (Ephesians 5:22). Even if her husband is not a Christian (1 Corinthians 7:134). And why? Because this is the process of sanctification. Sanctifying ourselves means to be more Christ-like and less like our sinful self. So while, yes the battle of the sexes was laid out by God as a curse for our sin, He also provided the means to free us from the curse. It is only a Christ-centered, gospel practiced marriage that will be a harmonious one. But to do that requires killing the self, what we desire, just like any other sin.